MIA

hey you all….
sorry for being MIA right know but
as all of you that are on facebook already know

my mom had a car accident on wednesday! 😦
she’s okay so far, she broke a vertebra (L2)
but thank got it’s nothing too serious!
no surgery needed… just a corsage to keep her spine stable!

that was quite a scare!!
and i actually just don’t know how to deal with this!

she is really hurt, hasn’t had more than an hour of sleep since the accident
and is troubled with bad nausea, thus can’t eat sleep or do anything!!

and i can’t help!!
i want to do something so ease her pain so bad!
i’m just so lost…! i’m anxious and just feared for her well being!!

she’s all i have! she’s not only my mom but my best friend!
and i can’t stand seeing her this hurt!!

i know we have to look at the ‘bright side’!
it could have been so much worse but…
it is so difficult to be positive
when everything around me is kind of falling apart…
i’m struggling so much…
can’t help but either eat crap or not eat at all…

and to tip that all off
i’m badly in love with a 20year older family-man!
we had our office christmas dinner last night and
i just can’t deny it anymore!
we are so in love… and just can’t help ourselves!!
we know it has no future so we contain ourselves the best we can!
but… it’s just so pathetic…
he can make me feel so good and forgett about all my troubles
but of course at the same time there is this voice that tells me
‘this is so wrong and you know it!’
because IT IS!!! i’m pathetic, i’m a such a fool!!

sorry for bothering you all with this….
i’ll just go know…. but to be honest, i don’t know when i’ll be back blogging!
i read your blogs regularly but just can’t come up with thigs to comment!
so please bear with me!

i love you (and of course your blogs!!) all so much
but i just need to figure this all out!

thank you for all the support, the positive comments and nice words!
i am so thankfull for you all being in my life!
i truly wouldn’t be where i am withouth you and
who knows how i’d cope with this situation if i hadn’t been
at a good place for quite some time.

so bye for know….


Bar "kind of" Review Post :)

Hey sweetpies!!!


Thank you sooooooo much for all the comments on my last post!!
I know I always say this, but I’m so grateful!! Can’t even describe it!!

I had a really difficult week.
With feelings all over the place!!
My T told me to start a FoodDiary where I have to write down
– my feelings – my bodyfeeling – my thoughts
everytime BEFORE and AFTER a meal!!

Wow…. Would never have thought that this would be sooo hard!!
I’m used to put my feelings aside or just not feel at all!
So as I said, it was really difficult and rather disturbing!

But I did it! And I will continue to do it, because it is so important for me
to (re)connect with my feelings!!
Not just pretend (and hope) that everything is fine!
It obvious isn’t!

So bare with me, if in the near future my post are a little whacky!

But I have to say that even though I felt like sh*t sometimes,
I haven’t felt this much like ME in a long time!!
No more hiding my feeling
(so much people came to me and asked if everything is ok)
and not being afraid to say “NO I’m not fine”!

Uff…. What a week.
I have a new appointment with my T in about two hours.
Curious what she will say, what this session will reveal!

Alright… On to a happy topic!!
As I posted a few weeks back, I recieved an AWESOME package
from the lovely E and M!
Lots and lots of Bars I (obviously) never had or tried
so I was eager to dive into them!! 😀

First up was the JamFrakas Chocolate Chip Cosmocrisp

Holy YUM!!! WOW!!! I was sooooooooo pleasently surprised with this!!
It is so chocolaty and dense and…… I’m speechless!!
I wish I could eat this everyday for breakfast AND lunch AND dinner!! 😀


Next a LUNA White Chocolate Macadamia

I did not expect lots of it since I don’t really like White Chocolate BUT I liked it!!!
Definitely not my favorite but I love Macadamias and it totally had lots of Macadamias in it!!

My FIRST LARABAR Pistachio

Another WOW!!! I didn’t recall liking pistachios THAT MUCH!!!
I was mmhh-ing the whole time eating this!!
(I even saved half of the bar for a little later, to savour every bit!)
I WILL DEFINITELY TRY AND MAKE THEM MYSELF!!
I even bought unsalted peanuts right the next day!! 😀


CLIF nectar cacao dark chocolate walnut

Do I really need to say that I love chocolate?! And walnuts!?
So…. Needless to tell you that I enjoyed this one too!!
Every bite…
(I really tend to take very itty little bites when I like something really much!)
…wish it would not have ended…!


Last (until now) but most definitely NOT least
CLIF Spiced Pumpkin Pie

This one was another one I did not know what to expect.
After trying Pumpkin-Oats and not really liking it too much I hesitated a little.
With NO REASON at all!!
It was a little too big for me to eat in one sitting (befor a workout) so I split it!
And I’m glad I did… Because even though I TRULY like it! The flavours were a little much for me!
So I think by splitting it I had the chance to really enjoy it without getting sick of it!!

Once again THANK YOU TWO SO MUCH for all the bars!!
I have plenty Bars left to try (and can’t wait!)
but I try to only have one a day and only as a pre-workout!
This way they may last a little longer…! ;D

I hope you all had a great week (already read all about it on your incredible blogs)
and a wonderful weekend (will read about this in a bit)
and wish you a fabulous new week!!

Make every day a good one
and
do everything the best you can!!


EDIT:
Go over to Iowa Girl Eats and take a look at THIS awesome Giveaway!!

Much LOVE


France Recap Part Three

Hey all of you beautiful, caring and just awesome readers!!!

First I NEED and want to say thank you to all the commenters!!
Trust me, if I say that you keep me sane on most days, that’s no exaggeration!!

To be quite honest, I’m feeling really down lately….!
Don’t know exactely why… Just blah! Of course I have some ideas what could cause this but… I don’t want to get into it! I need to just concentrate on the future, on positive stuff, on people who care and it will all be ok!
Although I think this might be a big part of it.
Me always kind of pretending that I’m OK, that everything is fine and nothing is bothering me!
My T kindly referred to me as some kind of ‘Dr. Jackel and Ms. Hide’… Not so wrong if you ask me!
But… As I said, don’t want to get into it here!
You all have enough to deal with and I am so proud of all of you about how you do it!!

On to the good stuff!! 😀

But as the title says here I have FINALLY the last but definitely no least part of my recap!
The house and everything around it!!
Even though I’m not a big fan of France – the people, the language, I fell totally in love with the house and especially the silence of the place.
I would love to spend time with each and every one of you there!!! You all are very welcome ther, in case you’re in ‘the neighborhood’ sometime! Just so you know!

I’m not going to write much… Just let the pics speak for themselves!

























this is the same one as above… just one day later!




Again…. Thank you VERY VERY MUCH for each word you write to me!!
It remindes me to stay strong and just go on!!

And (even if they’ll never read this) I want to thank my two amazing bosses
who would just do almost anything for me
(and of course I have always the feeling to not be as grateful as I should be!)
and two ‘kind-of’ co-workers (or I’d like to say they’re FRIENDS!)
BEAT (my ‘secret love’…) and ELLI
they just keep me sane around here…
Always try to lift my spirits when they feel like something’s wrong,
without forcing me to speak about it!

Have a wonderful day everyone and as I always say
and will try myself today
MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!!

What an Welcome-Home Gift!!

Well hello everyone!!!

I’m back, as you can see!! 😉

Don’t have much time to post unfortunately but I’m really excited that we have so much work here! We’re getting out of our funk as it seems!! And soon we well be flooded with work and that’s a good thing, after having almost nothing to do the past few month!! So yay for working long days!! I just love this office and enjoy every minute spend here!! ;D

But unfortunately this means fewer time to read all your lovely blogs (and I accumulated a lot of blogs over the past few month!!) and not as much to post about! But I’ll manage!!

First things first…. As you can guess from the title I was greated with an awesome package yesterday as I returned and took a look into my mailbox!!

lots and lots of deliciouse bars – can’t wait to try each and every one!!
chia seeds!!! YAYYY!!! and a Justin’s Squezze pack
and of course the cutest card imaginable – a few tears were rolling down my cheek
but of course with the biggest smile on my face!

The most lovely, big-hearted and beautiful twins I know had send me some awesome stuff!!!
I really could not think about a better Welcome-Home gift!!!

Thank you soooooooooo much Eliza and Maya!!
I even tried the Luna WCM right away and have to say, even though I’m not a fan of white chocolate, I enjoyed every bite of the half I tried!! Can’t wait to have the other half!!
I really have no words on how grateful I am to be recieving such lovely things!!
And I really hope that you will finally get my package soon!!! It’s already three weeks!! That’s just unacceptable!!

I have a JamFrakas Chocolate Chip Cosmocrips laying in front of me and I’ll eat it as my pre-workout snack!

About my holidays – they where perfect!! Eating could have been better but who cares right?!
I’ll do a few posts over the course of this week about last week – hope you’ll enjoy them!!

Have a wonderful day everyone!
And again – THANK YOU so much my loves!!


Big hug –

Breakthrough?!

Well hello there lovelies!!!

Yesterday was kind of a fun day. Don’t know why exactely… It just was!!

First I need to tell you that I made kind of a big change in my eating habbits to finally beat my night-binging!! 😀

Last week while talking to my friend about this problem, I came up with the idea that it might be best to start not eating too late! And since I have dance practice three out of the five days, I might try to just eat a little more pre-workout and just stick to liquid while home! I usually am not hungry after danceclass at all and just eat because I think “I have to” – but I’m stopping with this right now!! Usually I’m home between 7.30pm and 8.00pm and don’t even like eating this late!!


So I tried this now on Wednesday and Thursday and it went really well!

Acutally I’m really happy with this, because I don’t even thought about “eating this, eating that”… And to end a day with a nice (hot or) cold milk (rice or cow) with a little cacao or not just is perfect!!


So here we go…. With more “…at work” pictures…. Since I ate all my meals at work or on the way from work to practice!!


breakfast same as yesterday – looks kind of blech but I tell you it was divine!!
this dark chocolate dreams is awesome!!
I only wish I could get this here!!! thank god I bought three jars (of which one is half empty by now)!!


morning snack times two (and a few of my ginger and soy coated p-nuts)


lunch was also the same as yesterday – minus the avocado – added a few curry cashews


dessert three super thin lindt chocolate squares (one 70% dark and two orange chocolate) holy yum!


my dinner: two crackers with 1/4 avocado sprinkled with herbed salt and paprika
one pear with curry cashews


had the eat natural (blueberries pistachios and a yoghurt coating) bar
and the babybel on my way to the bus (I was running out of time!)
the bar was ok – wasn’t a big fan of the yoghurt coating


once home I had a mug of skim milk and of course I did go back
and had half a mug with some cacao added
just perfect!!


I know that many of you probably think that this is a bad idea, but I eat enough calories (approx. 1500-1800) and it’s only three days a week! So I hope you don’t judge me about this because I think this might work wonder for me!! And maybe I’ll be able to loose the few pounds that I piled on over the last few month slowly but surely!! I really want to wear my favorite clothes this winter and especally next spring/summer!!

So… Wish me luck!! I definitely feel good and strong!!


Btw dance on Wednesday and Yesterday was awesome!! I can’t believe I had a two week break!! I feel every muscul in my body…. But I enjoyed every second!! Can’t wait for my ballet-class on Monday!! And especially can’t wait until the day I wont be like “I could be so much quicker, better, more flexible if I only finally lost those pounds”!!! I love dancing, and I could swear that the mirrors in the studio make me look smaller than I really am, but I’m glad they do… Otherwise I might not be dancing at this weight!! But this will be my least problem in a few month!! Yay!!



Anyways have a good day and as always…. Make it a marvelous one!!!



Love

…at work!

Goooooood morning everyone!!! How are you?!
I’m in a very good mood, and have no idea why!! 😀
I’m not questioning it, just enjoying….
Not too much to tell, food was awesome yesterday!
Here we go:
breakfast at work: muesli soaked in water, kiwi, plum, half a banana with a tbsp pb&co chocolate dreams and flax

lunch at work: zucchini, cauliflower, red peper, 1/4 avocado with quinoa and cottage cheese, topped with seeds and nuts


dinner at work: two crakers with 1/4 avocado, salt and paprika with curried cashews and babybel
(and later a few from the soy and ginger peanuts, right back there in the far right corner)
pre-workout a marks&spencer snack well soy raisin bar


once home after dance class I enjoyed a cup ricemilk-cacao

I was so glad to have dance class again!! Ballet went well – I’m a little stiff and my muscul right next to my shin is cramping a lot lately :S !! Don’t know what to do, it’s nothing big but really disturbing while on barre! Jazz was really fun! We were only four of us and enjoyed the space and attention everyone got!
I think I’ll leave you with this…. I’m going to savor my good mood and knowing that I’ll be busy at work hence the lots of things I have to do – finally!!
As always, keep strong, enjoy every second you get and make your day a good one!!!
I’m off to dig into my breakfast!! yum!
1000 hugs

Day 12 – A Giant Step Forward

Hey there lovelies.

Wont write much today, don’t have much pics!
I’m struggling, a lot. But nothing to worry about, because I’m definitely not restricting!!
I took a giant leap of faith and talked to my best friend about my ED….! And it was so good!
To just let it all get out for once!!! And I did take it even further, I made an appointment with a specialist! AAAH!!! I’m so nervous!!! I can’t even believe what I did!!! My head always tells me “You’re not even thin, you can’t have an ED, you don’t deserve treatment!!!” And this sucks so much!!!
Everything is starting to get out of controll again and I’m sure this was inevitable!! But I’m so damn scared!!! My appointment is on the 29th, wish me luck!! Again I’m starting to doubt if this was the right thing to do!!! I’m going crazy here!!!
I’ve only got a few pics – nothing special, here we go:
breakfast – as usual

lunch – leftovers: brussel sprouts, veggies, falafel and some quinoa and butternutsquash

dinner: big salad, soup with ww bread, three slices ww bread with guacamole and turkey

Everything yum of course – but had once again more but didn’t take a pic! I’ve got a new obsession – as if this would be a surprise 😉 – pistachios!!! 😀
Have a great day everyone!! And sorry for the debby-downer post!!!

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